confrontation
it's not that bad, i promise <3
I have been told I am more confrontational than the average person in both personal and professional settings. This surprises me, because I think I am not confrontational enough. I imagine part of the reason this feature stands out is because I am a people-pleaser and people do not expect me to bring up something negative.
To be honest, confrontation is part of my people-pleasing. On average, it makes my world better.
wiring
We are all wired differently. People have blindspots to the degree of how different each of our brains actually are.
“Because of the different ways that our brains are wired, we all experience reality in different ways and any single way is essentially distorted.”
To watch this realtime, choose a new controversial topic, choose two people with similar surface level traits (intelligence, ethnicity, gender, etc.), and just watch how differently they describe their opinions.
autism
A clear example of wiring differences is Autism, a type of neurodivergence. One of my biggest takeaways from close autistic friends is that they often respond to directness quickly and impersonally.
a story of bluntness
As a person in tech, I have encountered many people with Autism and some of them are my dearest friends. For a few of my friends, this was not easy.
A close friend I was getting to know would often tell me I was their best friend. We hung out all the time and constantly co-worked together. Still, I was bothered because they would say hurtful phrases. The most gutting example is that this friend once said, “You only got X internship because you’re a girl.”
I think many people would probably end the friendship right there. I decided to make an ultimatum. I told the friend that if they continued to say “toxic” things like this, I would end our friendship.
They immediately got the point. Our friendship dramatically improved. I did not expect it to evolve so quickly. I was less surprised when they later disclosed to me that they suspected they might be on the spectrum. In that moment, something clicked. While neurodivergence is not an excuse for “toxic” behavior, it is a helpful frame to figure out how to interact with someone with a different wiring than you.
a story of perception
One one of my group trips, I was irritated by one of the people I had known prior to the trip, because I perceived them as unnecessarily rude. At the end of the trip, folks went around and mentioned their favorite memories of each other. Almost everything said about that person was mildly negative.
After that session ended, I talked to that person and it was clear they had picked up on the negativity and were confused. I was not actually intending to maintain a longterm connection with this person, so I hastily mentioned examples of things they said that I found rude.
I noticed that this person very quickly picked up on the exact things I pinpointed and did not repeat them. This impact was was literally overnight. I later learned that this person was autistic.
It since then been years since this confrontation and our distance transformed into a close friendship. This person is one of my favorite people.
an object in motion stays in motion
I have few strong opinions and one of them is that I am anti bullying (or negging in adult-speak). I can go deeper onto that, but Bullying Scars: The Impact on Adult Life and Relationships does a great job.
bullies in the wild
Whenever I notice negging, I confront the bully, label it as bullying, and ask them to stop. I have had 100% success rate with this approach, which is why I strongly recommend you give it a try:
One person told me that no one had ever told him this before and he thanked me for calling it out.
I pointed out to another person that their “bubbly girls are dumb” bias was incorrect. Over the course of two years, they messaged me and called me to both apologize for what they said and to thank for pointing out this blindspot.
It is shocking to me that these two people had lived their entire lives without being called out and my interactions with each of them in their twenties stood out so greatly. Supposedly, they had gone all of their lives unintentionally negging people, likely driving people away, when a simple callout could have helped stop this ripple effect.
close friends
Yes, there have been instances where I have had difficulty confronting someone and it is usually someone close to me. At one point, I was discussing how to handle the situation with another friend and they said, “An object in motion stays in motion.”
I doubt Newton’s first law was intended to apply to personal life decisions, but it felt clear as day to me that I had the opportunity to at least try to stop someone from unintentionally hurting other people. I decided I would confront the person, and as uncomfortable as that conversation was, I am grateful it happened.
Feedback is a gift, not just to the receiver, but to all people the receiver interacts with. If a person hurt you in a specific way, they are almost certainly guaranteed to hurt another person in a similar way. You, a human with rights, have the option to try to stop this. The first time is always the scariest, but it will get easier with time.
long-term games with long-term people
Confrontation is the bridge to having a lasting friendship. If you do not have these, your friendship is fragile. Every friendship, no matter how wonderful it is, is filled with imperfections.
I am not saying you should confront them for every single little thing (but maybe you can try that, let me know how it goes). We all have limited time and energy. If the person you’re having negative interactions with is going to be in your life for awhile, it is in your best interest to interact harmoniously with them. Harmony != avoiding confrontation. Attack problems early on before they worsen. Many problems are solvable, especially if caught early on before all the resentment as built.
Steve Huffman, the CEO of Reddit, recently spoke on The Best One Yet podcast and shared that he and his sister were a team in figure ice skating competitions. When asked if he had any takeaways from his ice skating days in running a company. He mentioned that he believed he and his sister were at an advantage, because they could easily discuss problems with each other. And obviously, they’re siblings, so long-term games are likely. Other pairs, who were not forcibly bonded as siblings, were less likely to confront each other and develop resentment. He said he uses that experience in how he chooses his execs at Reddit.
Obviously, this is easier said than done. With practice, this will come more naturally.
cultural bias
My family is extremely confrontational. For every little convenience, each of us would complain. In fact, passive aggressiveness was something I learned in school. I think people-pleasing is ingrained in American culture (and a lot of other cultures).
Not all of us speak the same language or have the same culture, but we have a medium. As imperfect as it is, we should make an effort to leverage language to make our lives better.